Show Your Hope!

HOLD ON

Nature’s Gold

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost

Grief: Deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement.

October 2, 2005, our lives forever changed as I watched the innocence fade from the eyes of 3 young children as they learned their father was gone.  I watched tears relentlessly fall as I told my mother and father that the man they thought of as a  ‘Son’ had left this earth.  I watched the guilt build as my sister embraced her children and tried to explain to them ‘WHY‘  he was gone.

The Ripple Effect
In the days and months that followed his death, the fallout continued to ripple endlessly.  So much was left unanswered and unsaid.

The Guilt
Every one of us carries that with us still to this day.  There are so many “I should have known,” or “I should have said….” or “I could have helped more…”

The sadness
Not a day goes by that I don’t wish for him to still be with us sharing moments of joy and laughter.

The Anger
Still,  to this day – I think of the way he left this earth and I am angry, so angry.
I’m angry that he left us, I’m angry that I couldn’t save him, I’m angry that he left us to pick up all pieces.

If I had the chance….

I’d have told him that HOPE is on it’s way….

That this moment will not last forever…and even if you don’t believe it…it WILL get better…

That JOY will return to his horizon…

And that ….

But my opportunity to do that with him was lost, so I am taking this opportunity remind everyone reading this:

That everybody hurts…

And sometimes, we don’t show it…

And that sometimes people plead silently….

Asking quietly….

Not everyone who needs help will reach out and ask for it…

And not everyone will have the strength to reach out and ask for help…

Not everyone is an open book…

If only we could just push a button….and know…..

If only everyone had a life preserver waiting in the wings…

If only everyone had someone to reach out to…

If only everyone had someone to rescue them….

But sadly…sometimes people DO have someone to reach out to and don’t…

Because they don’t know how or are too afraid to show weakness…

Or it’s just too dark to even see they need the help…

If you had the chance to be the light in their darkness…..would you?

Today, I remember a man who gave up his fight against the darkness within him – and I’ll always wonder if I had shined my light a little brighter into his life…would things have been different?  I’ll never know.  My heart aches for those who feel that same sense of grief, anger, sadness, and guilt because they have lost someone they loved to suicide.

Sometimes people get so caught up in their pain that it feels like there is no other solution besides the permanent one that they have chosen.  It’s heartbreaking to know that someone I loved felt this way…and that I wasn’t able to help them in time….none of us could.  Sadly, sometimes, no matter what you do – it isn’t enough.

I urge you all…take the time to show the people you care for how much they mean to you.  Be courageous enough to talk about things that are difficult or awkward to speak of.  Reach out to those who are struggling, even if you don’t know what to say.  Be kind to everyone you meet because you never know if your light might be the only thing that shines their way.

I will never forget…..

and I want you to always remember…

HOPE IS CLOSER THAN YOU THINK…..

If you or someone you love is thinking of suicide, there is help…don’t be afraid to get it.

National Suicide Prevention Help Line: 988

Love and Light,
Stefani

“To Live:  To have life; be alive; be capable of vital functions to direct or regulate one’s life.  To experience or enjoy life to the full.”

This past year, I have done exactly that.  I have touched the summit of the mountain of joy and fought desperately to rise from rock bottom.  Through highs and lows, this past year I have “Lived.”

Far too often people go through the motions in life and merely ‘exist’ – sometimes it’s a choice and other times it’s something that you fall into without even knowing it.  It happens slowly and subtly…and before you know it, LIFE is passing you by.

I had some hard lessons this past year…

I learned that even though people say they’re your ‘friends’ – that’s not always the case, and even those you’ve reached out to help can be vicious, hateful and hurtful.

I learned that REAL friends won’t believe everything they hear and will actually think about the things they’re told and go to the source and ask questions and see things for what they are…and those who believe everything they hear through an ever changing grapevine of lies – you just don’t need them.

I’ve learned that a lot of  people will sing your praises and be kind to you as long as you have something to offer…once they no longer need you, the things that are important to you no longer matter to them. (that was a tough pill to swallow)

I learned that, no matter how hard you try…you can’t please everyone all the time – and, no matter what you do, there will always be someone out there who will find fault with it.

I learned that I am stronger than I ever knew I was.

I learned that even in our deepest suffering there is divine beauty, even if we never see it or are unable to see it through our own pain….it is still there.

AND….despite those hard lessons, I also learned some pretty incredible things…

I learned that what you do with what happens to you matters more than what actually happened.

I learned that you don’t need to be everything to everyone….but what you are to someone can make all the difference.

I learned that love can run deeper than you can ever dream, and despite the toughest of times, love can light the way.

I learned that joy is all around me – I just had to refocus my view.

I learned that NOTHING is impossible….even if it seems that it is…

I learned that HOPE is contagious.

I learned that pain is relative.

I learned that fear can consume you…if you let it.

I learned that letting go and getting it out is not only freeing but it is healing….

I learned that, even during our most difficult times, we can still find our way through them without losing ourselves.

I learned that things don’t always go as planned, but they go as they are meant to be.

I learned that we can make the best of the worst….

Some people think about their birthdays and they cringe…they get depressed…they become somber, or fall into a deep denial that another year has come.

Me, I  think about my birthday and welcome it with open arms.  I guess that, when you are told you have a disease that can take your life – you look at things differently.

You see, every day that I put my feet on the floor is a good day and it’s a day that you celebrate and do your best not to take for granted.

SO today, I welcome my 34th birthday with gratitude because I know each day is precious, not promised.

This afternoon at the lake...enjoying the breeze. Life is good!

Here’s to another year!

Love and Light,

Stefani

September has been a whirlwind of a month for me.  A LOT happened in September – it was crazier than almost any other month I’ve had this year!

Looking back upon the past 25 days, one phrase keeps echoing in my head:  “There’s a first time for everything…”

You see, September was a month of “Firsts” for me – some of them were INCREDIBLE…..some were scary….and some were challenging…..but I learned and grew so much from each of my ‘Firsts” – – – – – – >

∞My first Kickstarter Campaign came to a successful end having raised 333% of my original goal  (Which I am now getting ready to deliver all the rewards to those who pledged!)

∞I tirelessly worked to complete my goal of creating an album that was a huge deviation from my comfort zone.

∞I also recorded my first duet with an incredible musician, Dave Munro.

∞I created my first ‘band’ shirt!

∞ I recorded one of my songs with Air Traffic Controller

∞ I planned my first ever music benefit concert with my best friend and soul sister, Chelsea Hertzog!

∞ All 4 of our close knit group – (My Mito Sisters) were in the hospital at the same time…

∞ I even finished planning the Show of Hope from my hospital bed – while teaching Will and Sasha that we really can achieve our dreams even if there are obstacles

∞ I had my first PICC line placed…and had to learn how to navigate around without my IV tubing getting caught on everything (for those who know me, I am not the most graceful person, so this was and still is a huge adjustment!)

∞ I got to meet some really great people in person FINALLY!

∞ Beast became a Hero’s Sidekick….

∞ I was featured in Boston Music Spotlight Magazine and Show of Hope was featured as a ‘top pick’ for the weekend!

∞ Chelsea and I shared our story and it hit the local papers trying to raise awareness
Chelmsford Patch Article
Chelmsford Independent Article

∞ Songs from my new album were played on the radio and I got to share some air time with Dave Munro, Casey Sullivan, and Liz Longley on WCAP!

∞ I got to perform at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium (not many people can say they’ve done that!)

∞ I got to share the stage with my 2 heroes

∞ I got to sing my first ever duet on stage with Dave Munro!  (And he was awesome!)

AND….If you want to hear both of these performances (and a few more) – my friend was gracious enough to post them on youtube for me:

Loud and Clear

Not Alone

PS…if you like what you hear, you can purchase the new album, UNLEASHED online by going to www.hoperisingmusic.com

∞ My album released at one of the greatest ‘Release Parties’ I could ever want!

∞ And I got to share the stage with some incredible people

Photograph Courtesy of Mark Battle * http://www.markbattle.com

And most importantly…..

∞ I got to spend some time with some close friends….and begin new friendships….and SHARE my HOPE with SO many others!!!

(To see more pictures of the Show of Hope through the eyes of my friend Nicole by clicking HERE!)

As September comes to a close, I will kiss the month goodbye with my 34th birthday.   I am looking forward to beginning another year filled with promise, love, joy, and HOPE!

Thanks for peeking!

Love and Light,

Stefani