Hope is a Journey….

To My Sunshine

My Dearest Sasha,

When you were a heartbeat within my own, oh the dreams I had for you….the plans I had for you…

225547_1903118411134_4127601_n

Never in a million years did my plans involve the quiet hum of hospital pumps,

Snoozing

The urgent screams of the monitors intermittently interrupting our slumber as we count the hours til daylight,

BP

Counting breaths instead of moments….

Sleeping

Some nights are harder than others…and tonight, I can’t help but weep for your tiny little heart….you see….I always thought that those precious lips would sing with joyful laughter, not cry out in fear or pain….

IMG_9651

Those eyes….I hoped they would only see the splendor of this earth, not pour out the hurt that overflows from within….

IMG_9653

Those ears….I prayed that they would only hear giggles and songs of happiness that swell from your heart – I never thought they’d be hearing the monotonous alarms going off next to your bed….

20140814_131256

I always hoped those tiny little toes would feel the warm sand or the cool water rushing around them…I never imagined that they instead would know the feeling of the adhesive of a pulse oximeter squeezing tightly…

IMG_9650
I always wanted those tiny sweet hands to hold your dreams…I never for one second thought that they would ever clutch starchy white sheets in pain…

IMG_9656
I always thought your arms would know only warm embraces….I never – for one second – thought that they would bear the scars of countless IV’s.

IMG_9655

My precious sweet sunshine…you should drift off to sleep in peace…I always thought that’s how things were going to be…you deserve that.

20140814_131112I can’t promise you that every tomorrow will be beautiful, peaceful, gentle, or merciful to you – as a matter of fact, my heart breaks a little more each and every moment that passes by – because a lot of your ‘todays’ have been pretty rough lately…but I can promise you that I will never stop trying to make it so your lips sing with joyful praise, your eyes see the splendor of this earth, your ears hear the giggles and songs of happiness that swell from within your heart, that your toes feel the warmth of the sand and the coolness of the ocean kissing them every chance we get, that your hands reach out to hold mine in peaceful moments as we carry your dreams together, that your arms would know more warm embraces, that your heart would know sweet peace…I would go to the ends of this earth for you – to give you that peace.

Lord only knows why He chose you to live this life, to walk this path, to know this suffering – and I struggle with that…but I TRUST in Him and I TRUST that He is with you, that He will never leave or forsake you, that He will mend you in the broken places and make you stronger.

Someday, my Sweet Sunshine, we will all understand why things have to be the way they are – but until then, I will rest in the knowledge that our God is Bigger, Stronger, and Mightier than anything that can happen to us.

morning

I love you to the moon and back….

Mom

Comments on: "To My Sunshine" (1)

  1. Dear Stef,
    You have been missed. It is wonderful to see you post although it seems things have been quite difficult your family, especially Sasha. I don’t know what to say – words seem so useless at
    times.- or maybe I just don’t
    know how to fashion them to
    express what I feel.
    I feel, in part, that there may be a Special Spirit who may be among us, to guide us -they just don’t know it yet. Perhaps that theory will manifest soon.
    One thing I know without question is that you bear this challenge with great beauty, grace and enduring love. You
    are amazing.
    Thank you for keeping in touch. Love & Blessings,
    Nynah

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: